Harry Potter and the Horrors of Global Warming
by Detective Kimball
Summary: Yes, I'm back with more sarcastic and bitter dialogue for all. I touch on alot of mature humor, which isn't inappropriate, but you might not find it funny if you aren't big on political stuff. Rated T for language. AU, and rate and comment, dammit!


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, it's kind of more "breaking-the-forth-wall" than I'd like, but when you're schedule is as busy as mine, anything will do. The first half is really just a set-up for the second half (where most of the pay-offs would, in theory, take place, but I still tried to maintain a snarky, sarcastic tone through the whole thing. I know alot of people don't like, but dammit it's just so fun to write like that. Blah blah blah LOTS OF BAD LANGUAGE blah blah blah AU blah blah RATE AND COMMENT RATE AND COMMENT blah. Enjoy.**

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It was Christmas time at Hogwarts, a time that evoked the true magic and enchantment that the entire campus had to offer. It was a time for sledding, skiing, and having wonderful snowball fights, and the students unanimously agreed that it was truly was the greatest time of the year.

Unfortunately, due to the effects of global warming, no one could enjoy the snow because there wasn't any at all. The students had to endure blistering heats all throughout the month of December, and when Harry Potter woke up on Christmas Eve covered in his own sweat, he was absolutely fed up with it.

"This is absolute bollocks!" Harry complained at breakfast that morning. "Christmas isn't supposed to be like this. It's supposed to be happy and whimsical!"

"Harry, have you noticed the last three movies?" Hermione said, not looking up from her book. "The body count's been higher than a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. There really isn't much whimsy left."

"Yeah." Ron agreed. "These last couple months have been so depressing, I've been taking four of these Zoloft pills a day just to even me out."

"And that's the exact problem!" Harry exclaimed, so emphatically people around them began to gawk at him. "You shouldn't have to take Zoloft or Cymbalta or anything like that. You aren't supposed to be cripplingly depressed at Christmas. We need the snow back, and I'm getting it back this instant." And, with that, Harry got up and proceeded to head for the library.

"Harry's right." Ron said.

"About the Christmas thing?" Hermione asked.

"Nah, about the Zoloft." Ron said, throwing his pills away. "Everyone know Xanax is the shit."

Harry had been searching all day in the library, hoping to find a solution to this unseasonal heat. He came across a book in the Muggle Studies section written by a man named Al Gore. It seemed that what was causing the unseasonable weather was "global warming", a very serious climate condition which raised temperatures and caused vital polar ice-caps to melt, no matter how many conservative pundits try to say otherwise.

_I'm looking at you, Glenn Beck._

Anyway_, _Harry walked back into the common room where Ron and Hermione were sitting by the fire. Hermione was reading a fucking book as usual, but Ron appeared to be asleep, with several pill bottles strewn around his general vicinity.

"Wow, I don't think I've looked so hard in the library since we looked for Nicolas Flamel all those years ago."

"When we looked for what?" Hermione said, not taking her eyes off of the fucking book.

"Remember? In our first year?" Harry said pleadingly. "The sorcerer's stone and all that?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Harry." Hermione said apologetically. "As a teenager, my mind has been so rotten by YouTube and various other Muggle pop-culture references that I guess that whole year's been blocked out of my mind."

"Dear God, is this writer meta or what?" Harry said. "Anyway, I'm going to go to the United States."

Hermione jumped up, sending the book she was reading on the floor with a loud THUNK!

"You CAN'T go to the United States, Harry!" Hermione said, sounding more scared than Harry had ever heard her. "You don't know what it's like! The traffic, the hypocrisy, THE TERRIBLE HACK FAN-FICTION WRITERS!"

"I'm sorry, Hermione, but I have to go for the sake of Christmas. Everyone's happiness is at stake, and Christmas without snow is like a NBA Championship without the riots afterward."

"Good luck getting anyone to laugh at that joke." Seamus muttered under his breath.

"Hey FUCK YOU guy, I'm doing the best that I can." Harry yelled angrily. He turned back to Hermione. "Plus, it'll give me a good opportunity to be a giant hero for the 84,293,784,977th time."

"Well, all right. But I want you to have this." Hermione said, pulling from behind her chair a big box with a neatly tied red bow. "It's an early Christmas present."

"Wow, thanks." Harry said. "What is it?"

"Oh, it's just a dues ex machina I whipped up in class the other day." Hermione said brightly. "I'm not going to tell you what it is, but rest assured it is a deeply meaningful thing that will bring you to a stunningly inspiring realization."

"Wow, this'll really come in handy when I'm about to die." Harry said. "Well, see you tomorrow. I'm off to Tennessee." And, with that, Harry ran out of the common room, getting ready for what no doubt would be an enriching tale where lots of profanities and Southern stereotypes would be prominent.

** Will Harry make it safe to Nashville?**

** Will he get to Al Gore and bring the snow back to Hogwarts, or will he get butt-fucked by horrible rednecks?**

** Tune in for the next installment to find out!**


End file.
